Ron Nurwisah, Boy Reporter

A few years ago Toronto-writer and all-around mensch Pasha Malla wrote this memorably hilarious ‘advice’ column on a fairly universal question, “Does she love you?”

Here’s an excerpt:

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If she knows what song is coming next on the mix CD you made her: She loves you.

If she hides your shoes when you’re late for work, and from a supine position on the couch plays “Hot/Cold,” and, finally, after 15 minutes of you ignoring her screaming, “Boiling! Burning up!” every time you stalk angrily by the dishwasher, gets up, flips it open to reveal the shoes, sitting there among the plates, and hands them over with a kiss and a giggle, and then laughs some more as you tie your laces in a silent rage: She loves you.

If she calls you at work that day to ask, “How are those shoes working out?”: She loves you.

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Pasha has followed up the classic column with its logical other half, “Does he love you?”

buy The Piano If when you die he dedicates two decades, his entire empirical fortune, and the muscle-power of over 1000 elephants to a construct an awe-inspiring mausoleum of pure white marble on the banks of an Indian river—he loves you. If 350 years later his descendents are actually able to keep the bathrooms clean, the German tourists will love you, too.

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If one night you’re out with his friends and he goes on an extended, impassioned rant to defend the music of Sarah McLachlan—shit, I can’t get down with this one. Dude needs to spend a little less time building a mystery and join a boxing club or something.

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Just in time for V-day.

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All this from the always excellent This Morning News. Why aren’t you reading them already?

Oh recently-broken-up-with people will want to read Todd Levin’s column about exes who send mixed signals. Sheesh.

I covered a bunch of events for the National Post at the International Festival of Authors and met some great authors. I’m still transcribing a few of the interviews but here’s some of the stuff.

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I talk to screenwriter and novelist David Benioff (the 25th Hour, City of Thieves) about writing for film, larger than life characters and why you all should talk to your grandparents if you still have the chance.

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I’ll have interviews with Junot Diaz (!) and Aleksandar Hemon online soon.

But for now, here’s some choice quotes from the Sarah Vowell talk and the roundtable between Junot Diaz and Canada’s literary golden boy Rawi Hage (he’s been nominated for all three major book prizes in Canada! wha?)

My interview with Sarah Vowell was taped for the Post so that will hopefully be online later this week.

Other weird IFOA tidbits in point form:

Mia Kirshner is much smaller in person and really likes comic books, which makes her even hotter, if that’s somehow possible (she did a book on refugee children!)

A roomful of Irish authors sitting around talking is possibly one of the best sounds in the world.

Comic book artist Lynda Barry is super nice (she signed autographs for at least two hours after her event and talked and listened to everyone), very funny and she also has a “hard on” for Canada.

Actually, most American authors seem to really, really like us.

Hard to believe, but Junot Diaz has never been invited to a sci-fi convention after writing the Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao.

Madeline Thien and Rawi Hage are possibly the cutest Canadian Literature couple. Sorry Amanda and Joseph Boyden.

I found out about DFW’s death on Saturday night and quickly posted about it on the Post’s arts blog

The Ampersand. My friend and co-worker Mark Medley rounded up a few tributes on DFW…

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But if you’ve never read Foster Wallace and want to know what all the fuss is about don’t run out and grab Infinite Jest (it’s massive and backbreaking). Just read these essays and a few short stories from Harper’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame dvdrip . It’s a bit more manageable, save Infinite Jest for later.

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I found this funny little blog called…. Literally, a web log. I admit that sometimes I missuse literally when in fact ‘figuratively’ is what I meant to say. Example, I literally can’t lift a finger (which would mean that I was in some terrible car crash where I became a fingerplegic) . Anyways, the blog tracks abuses of the word literally. Like this one:

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Jerry Falwell (may he rest in… well, may he rest) provided this example (just in time for Pride!):

Someone must not be afraid to say, ‘moral perversion is wrong.’ If we do not act now, homosexuals will own America! If you and I do not speak up now, this homosexual steamroller will literally crush all decent men, women, and children Back Door to Hell download SherryBaby movie download Role Models divx who get in its way … and our nation will pay a terrible price!”

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One of the questions I get often is “Ron, I want to write for magazines. Where do I start?” There’s the usual advice:

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1) Read the damn magazine

2) Know the damn magazine

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3) Pitch to the damn magazine

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Well D.B. Scott over at Canadian magazines has come up with a list of Writer’s Guidelines. So now, you can read the guidelines, figure out what exactly the magazine is looking for and pitch accordingly. Oh, publicists, you might want to read this too. Just in case you have to pitch your stories to these places.

download Elvira, Mistress of the Dark dvd The new issue of Esquire features their annual music awards (the Esky, also what we call the football team in Edmonton, no?), which features Chris Jones’ patriotic defense of Canadian music. Jones argues that “Canadians are born promoters, not protectionists. We want people to listen to our bands. We have a desire, desparate, that borders on sickness.”

Humanitys End ipod He proceeds to highlight a few Canadian bands he loves including the Weakerthans, whom he calls “the greatest band ever to come out of Winnipeg, Manitoba… make the Decemberists sound downright illiterate.” Oh really Mr. Jones? We’ll just see about that. Without further ado the Decemberists vs. Weakerthans literary challenge.

Name	John Kristjan Samson, lead singer of the Weakerthans	Colin Meloy, lead singer of the Decemberists Surfer, Dude buy Beowulf & Grendel trailer Stone Cold full movie
Literary Cred	Two-time winner of Canada Reads, runs his own leftist publisher, Arbeiter Ring Across the Universe ipod Were Back! A Dinosaurs Story ipod	Sister is critically acclaimed novelist Maile Meloy	Point Samson
Lyrical Content	References one hard-to-read French cultural theorist (Foucault), activists, Winnipeg, the plight of gentrification	References Modernist art (Marcel Duchamp), one Greek muse (Arethusa), hot young author (Myla Goldberg), Romeo and Juliet	Point Meloy
Characters in Songs	one cat named Virtue, awkward activists, arctic explorers, Elks (the order, not the animal), Winnipeg ex-pats	Legionnaires, whalers, chimbley sweeps, prostitutes, barrow boys, poor Japanese farmers who find wounded magical birds	Point Meloy
Literary Style	Spare, well-observed writing that illuminates contemporary life	Gothic, faux-Victorian, neo-Dickensian	Draw; Point Meloy if you like Dickens, Point Samson if you were tortured by the man in high school
Winner	Samson has got the literary indie cred vote all wrapped up. The man is an activist (Propagandhi, G7 Welcoming Committee), and runs a leftist publishing house named after a Jewish socialist group	Meloy is like the precocious grad student at some small liberal arts college in some random northeastern town (look at those glasses and the tweed jackets he wears on-stage), some people would argue he tries to hard.	Meloy gets the gold star and the A+ for being such a good student, but somehow I don’t think Samson cares too much and probably will just go back to photocopying his pamphlets and organizing the next anti-globalization rally. That and writing really, great songs.

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